Harriet does not want to see me, hear me or even think of me. She stonewalled me. She kicked me out of her heart and threw the door in my face. And the truth is, I deserve it.
I feel sick. Utterly spent and sick and on the verge of something bad. The old darkness that once engulfed me, is stirring again. I have wronged her. Time after time after time I've failed her. I haven't been there to protect her and support her when she has needed it the most. I've let demons toy with her and torment her. I've been unable to find and kill them afterwards.
Pathetic. I had to let her go, in the end. After she nearly died in the KCK slums, trying to climb out a window 'cause... Because she wanted to get away from me! I keep almost killing her! If not by my inactions, then by my actions. Dear God in Heaven, why do they let me work here on Earth?
But Arethas, you are not a Cherub, you might argue. Well, I say fuck that. I would have fledged one, had the Boss not had other ideas. Maybe I'm an experiment to see how much of another Choir can be manifest in a Virtue, while the angel still sports oaths and black wings? Tailor-made Malarub, at your service? 'S all totally academic in the end. Fact is, my emotions and my reactions are very close to those of the Guardians. Add to this that my personal oaths bind me to help and protect. That is what I am; helper, protector, supporter. So when I fail at this, when innocents and loved ones get hurt, I suffer appropriately. 'Cause I haven't acted in perfect concert with my nature, and therefore I must pay. It doesn't cause me dissonance, unless one of my oaths are actually broken, but the sensation is kinda the same.
I love. This is another fact of my life, but hardly unique. God is love. All angels love, not necessarily consciously, but it is who we are. Me, I resonate even deeper with it. Ever since God blessed me with the love of Neah, I have felt it keenly. It fills my every conscious moment, and it guides all my actions. If God called a new Archangel of Love into servitude, I don't think I'd even remember to stop and ask my current Archangels if it was okay to switch service. I'd be throwing myself before the feet of Love and beg it to let me serve.
I love Harriet. Every bit as deeply as I loved Neah, something I thought impossible. How can a humble servitor be blessed like this; not once, but twice? It's a miracle and a gift; it's a privilege and an honour beyond belief. I stand humbled every time I see her, and my Heart sings Love's praises in Heaven. The thought of my actions or inactions hurting or harming her, fills me with dread. It's anathema. And yet -- it is precisely what seems to be happening!
I need to sit down and sort through my thought and feelings, I know. If I handle this worse than I already have, then the consequences would be dire. I gotta try that Elohite hat on again. Considering that the Malakim are bias and subjectivity incarnate, that ain't gonna be easy. I probably outghta see a real Elohite. Delia. Yes...
There is however one thing I do know for absolutely certain: There will be no turning my back on Harriet, even though she demands it right now. I will respect her need for space. I will not force my attentions and my company on her. I will stay out of her dreams. But I will not abandon her, or stop looking after her. If she can't have me around, then I will have to watch her from the shadows, and try to find ways of guiding her that do not involve me directly. I cannot and will not give up on our love, especially now that she needs it the most. When she needs my love to be strong enough to leave her in peace.
And so Arethas' fifth oath grew strong in him, and the time for it to manifest was near. In his Heart, nestled in the Treetops in Heaven, the faint shadows of a new chain could already be seen.